The End of an Era

From the time Amelia came home from the hospital, she needed me to fall asleep. We started out rocking together as she drank her bottles and then I'd put her in her bassinet or crib once she was asleep. As she got a little older, we'd lie down together in my bed and then I'd put her in her crib once she was asleep.

When she was 15 months old, we went to the beach for a week and she had to sleep with us the entire time, with no crib to go to once asleep. When we got home, there was no turning back. I tried placing her in her crib a few times, but she'd immediately wake up screaming for me. So, I stopped trying and we just let her sleep with us. 

In the last three years, we've attempted to have Amelia sleep in her toddler bed. She lasted one night on a few different occasions and even two nights one particular time. Tonight we are on Night 5, and if I'm being completely honest, I'm heartbroken. I miss my Bunny.

It all started Saturday when she and I were cleaning her room. I had the bright idea to go through her stuffed animals to see if there were any she could live without. There weren't. While we were getting the stuffed "friends" out of her bed, I asked when she thought she might want to try sleeping in her bed. She said, "Ummm, prolly a couple weeks." I smiled and said that was ok. 

We finally got it cleaned out and this is what we ended up with:

She quickly climbed into her bed, jumping and laughing. Then she hopped down, grabbed a book, and climbed back in saying, "I got a book I knew so I could read to you, Mommy!"

It wasn't quite bedtime yet, so we went to have a snack and chill out for a while. When it was time for bed, I asked where she wanted to sleep and *gasp* she chose her bed. I smiled and said, "Ok" never thinking she'd actually stay. We put a new bulb in her nightlight and she moved it over by her bed. She chose two "animal friends" from the stack for her, chose two for me to keep me "compny" since she wouldn't be there,  turned on "Nightlight Dinosaur" and commenced to begging me to stay.

We discussed how her toddler bed wasn't long enough for Mommy but that Mommy was never far away. She made me promise that I was still close even if I wasn't in the same room. We talked about how all her "animal friends" were sitting there, watching over her. We said our prayers and "thankfuls" and then it was time for me to walk away. After several "sssshhhhh" and "go to sleep, baby" she was out.

I checked on her more times than I care to admit. I had to rearrange her several times so that she didn't fall out and I had to remind myself this was a good thing. It took everything I had to not pick her up and take her to bed with me when I finally crashed. 

I woke up before she did Sunday morning. She and I both were so proud of her!

Amelia was a teeny bit clingier than usual and didn't want to go to Children's Church that morning. I don't know if it had anything to do with that or not, though. 

Sunday night, she started to cry a little while asking me to hold her while she went to sleep, "and then put me in my bed, please." Did I? Absolutely. We turned the lights off in the living room and snuggled while she settled down into her "happy place."  

Monday night, night 3, I hear: "But, Mommy...I don't want you to be far. I miss you too much when you're not here. Mommy, can we get a longer bed so you can sleep with me? Pleeeeeeeeeease?" The thing is, I don't want her away from me, either.  We don't mind her sleeping with us. We just want her to know she can. I want her to know it's ok for me to not be right.there.this.close all the time - even if that's where we're both most comfortable.

Tuesday night, we laid down in my bed to say our prayers and snuggle a bit before she went to her bed. We both ended up falling asleep and when I woke up a couple hours later, I didn't take her to her bed. When I went back to bed a few hours later, I just moved her over and climbed in just as I've done countless times before. For whatever reason, she and I seemed to toss and turn more than usual. When she woke up, she put a stuffed animal in bed with me, and went to her bed. I asked what she was doing and she said, "going to my bed like I said, Mommy." I had to let her know it was morning.

Tonight, which I suppose is technically Night 5 although she didn't quite make it to her bed last night, she went straight to her room. I even tried to get her lay down with us to say our prayers and talk for a minute before she went to bed, but she didn't want to do that. Of course, she wanted me to crawl into her little bed with her, but well, yanno...

I honestly never thought she'd actually be willingly sleeping in her own bed right now. She was so adamant about "not being ready." She seems to be sleeping solidly and hasn't woken up in the middle of the night one single time since moving to her room. That could be how late she's actually going to bed or maybe she's just not being disturbed. 

I'm extremely proud of her and I'm sure this is a good thing. At least, that's what my brain says, but my heart isn't so sure for some reason. I've always listened to her cues and would never hold her back. I just miss that snuggle time! I miss that sleepy, "awww, sweet Mommy.... I love you" while she settled in close. I miss the little kisses on my cheek as she wakes me up in the mornings. I miss my...my baby. 

I know I sound insanely emotional and crazy, so I'll just say I'm having a very rough time with this whole not-feeling-needed-anymore thing. 

And that I'm looking for a twin bed...